Trust in Despair
by strangechild13
Summary: "It's the next life, Axel. Where are you?" AU, next life, AkuRoku, RiSo, language... Aw hell. Just read the damn thing.


**Author's Note: I surprisingly did not vary from this story once, and it was written in a matter of hours. I'm proud of myself. PLEASE REVIEW! Oh yeah, and I don't own these characters. **

To put it simply, he started forgetting when he started remembering. Every time he remembered something from the period he called "before", he'd forget something of the present. It was both a blessing and a curse in the boy's eyes. He was grateful, however, to be blessed with the same looks and the same name, and he was grateful that the boy who's mind he had once been trapped in was now no more than his fraternal twin brother. That boy was staring at him in that particular moment, wondering why his brother was so deep in thought. The brunette remembered nothing of "before" and uttered the nickname that sent a pang of pain and regret through the blonde boy's heart every time it was spoken. The blonde ignored his brother, hoping the sorrow and regret would pass, as it usually did.

It didn't, and the blonde could feel the tears welling up in his eyes as he silently begged for someone to save him from this horrible dream, this twisted life that couldn't possibly be reality. But he knew he was stuck, as he'd watched with his own eyes as the man he'd been so in love with had turned into nothing but an insignificant pile of ashes and blown away in a breeze in a world that had never even existed at all. The tears overflowed from his eyes as he re-lived that day in his mind, that day that he'd wished for nothing but to disappear by his love's side.

Of course, that hadn't happened, and he'd been trapped in that other boy's mind with nothing but his memories of a better life, a life he could never get back. He'd wanted to take that memory of a blade and drive it straight through his chest, and had wondered what it would have been like to have someone die inside your mind. He'd cried for the first few months, nothing but crying, and as he gave his brother a sidelong glance he wondered again what it must have been like for him, wandering around with your friends and family with a whole other being in your head, one that would strike up depressing, philosophical conversation with you when it got lonely.

"Roxy," Sora said again, concerned for the blonde. "Why are you crying?"

"I told you not to call me that," was the blonde's answer. "You know I hate it." He could hear Axel's voice, mimicking Sora's words, in a long-forgotten memory, and he wasn't quite sure who he'd just answered.

"That doesn't answer my question," Sora said gently. He came over and attempted to hug his brother.

"Don't touch me," Roxas hissed. "Don't you _dare_." Sora backed away as if burned.

Roxas shuddered. What had happened? Before he'd remembered Axel, he'd been a happy, affectionate person. But, Roxas reminded himself, that wasn't him. Forgetting had changed him, but remembering had brought him back. Everyone was happy and affectionate as a child, weren't they? Well, those with normal childhoods anyway. Roxas had had a normal childhood though, but he didn't have a normal past. Neither did Sora, whether the brunette could remember it or not. Roxas stared down at the scars all over his arms, the only reminder of the "accidents" since he began to remember. He'd break down, start to attempt to mutilate his own body beyond recognition, and then completely forget about it. The doctors said it was his mind's way of coping with his depression. Roxas said it was his way of coping with Axel, jackass that he was.

"Rox- _Roxas_, what _happened_ to you? You used to be so fun-loving and… and _happy_. What went _wrong_?"

The only thing Roxas could think of was how many words Sora had put emphasis on in that sentence.

"I don't give a shit how it happened, Sora. I just want it all to end. I want someone to make the pain stop." Sora latched on at hearing his brother's words and began to cry, shaking his head emphatically.

"No, no, don't talk like that. Please, just stop… You're my brother, for God's sake; I don't want anything to happen to you! I just want you better, Rox; I don't want you to hurt anymore. I want you to go back to the way you were when we were kids, all happy and everything. What do I have to do to get you to smile again? What did we do, Rox? Why are you like this?"

_Roxy, what's wrong?_

_ Roxas, you okay?_

_ You don't look so good, kiddo…_

Roxas screamed, he couldn't help it; the voices were too damn _loud_. People he hadn't given a second thought to were now swarming in his head, threating to make his skull explode. Memories of the past were mixing with memories of the present, battling for dominance in his mind. It was driving him _insane_. He begged Sora to make it stop, but the brunette just stood there, looking confused and frightened. Blue eyes, identical to his own but uncharacteristically dark with pain, flashed up to Sora, silently begging him to end it all, right here and now.

A voice in the back of Sora's mind sardonically reminded him that that was exactly what Roxas wanted; for Sora to end it. To end all the pain and misery that was plaguing his brother. But Sora was having none of it. He called his mother at work, who said she'd be home as fast as she could, and to make sure Roxas didn't do anything "crazy" before she got there. Sora hung up the phone and rushed back to his brother, who was curled up in the middle of the floor, having apparently moved from his spot by the window, screaming and crying and begging either the air or whatever God existed to make it stop.

Sora hugged his brother tightly as the blonde sobbed, his mother rushing in the door, having made it home from work in half the time it usually took. Sora figured she must have broken every speed limit to get here in time and relinquished Roxas into their mother's care. She spoke to him softly, but he was either ignoring her or he couldn't hear her. She asked him what was wrong, and Sora held back a snort. They asked Roxas that question all the time, and they never got an answer. Sora had decided Roxas didn't want them to know. He went over to his brother and started stroking his hair as their mother held him. The blonde's breathing evened out and his sobbing stopped and their mother either didn't hear or ignored the word Roxas whispered, but Sora heard it clearly.

_Axel…_

Something tugged at the back of Sora's mind hearing Roxas say that, but the brunette shrugged it off. Déjà vu was just that- déjà vu. It meant nothing and Sora would treat it that way. Roxas looked up at him with dead eyes. The blonde just stared at him for a while before shaking his head and speaking.

"Jesus Sora, will you just remember already?" The blonde rolled his eyes at Sora's confused expression.

"Rox, what the hell are you talking about? What exactly am I supposed to be remembering here?"

"Haven't you ever had something really weird seem familiar to you?"

"That word you said a few minutes ago seemed familiar, but I don't know why, so I just shrugged it off."

"Don't do that. Always think more on it when something tugs at your memory. You'll remember the past faster and it'll make everyone's lives easier, especially mine."

"Anything to make your life easier, your highness," Sora said sarcastically, bowing. Roxas laughed and flipped him off. Sora pouted and Roxas rolled his eyes. There was a knock on the door and Roxas went to answer it. Sora followed him and the boys found Riku standing on the other side. Roxas pulled him inside by the wrist, a determined look on his face.

"Do you remember?" the blonde hissed, trying not to let Sora overhear, though the blonde didn't notice the jealous look on Sora's face as the two talked.

"Yeah, but Sora doesn't, so I'm not pushing it."

"Push it. He needs it, damn it. This is driving me insane." Sora snuck up behind the two boys so he could hear the conversation.

"I don't see how pushing him is going to help you at all, besides spreading your misery around to everyone, and what does that solve?"

"Do you know how much this is _killing _me? An entire chunk of my life burned to ash and I can't talk to anyone about it. Well, there's you, but you made it clear the first time that you want nothing to do with that. So what the hell am I supposed to do? What do you suggest, Riku?" Roxas crossed his arms over his chest.

"Sora's not going to want to hear your sob story either. He met the guy, what, once? Twice? How can you even expect Sora to remember him, no matter how hard we push, if the memories aren't there to find? He's part of your life, not Sora's. He wasn't Sora's boyfriend. The only memories of him he ever had were yours anyway. Admit it, Rox, Sora _doesn't know him_. You need to accept it."

"I want to punch you in the face so badly right now. I didn't say Sora had to _know_ him. I'm just asking he remember in general. It'll be nice to have someone to talk to, you know? You just don't want him to remember Kairi."

"I don't give a shit if he remembers Kairi or not. You know how badly I want him to remember what we had? All this time, and I'm only his best friend. You know how much that _hurts_?"

"You know how much it hurts _me_ to not even know if the love of my life is alive or not? At least Sora's part of your life. Axel could be dead, or hell, he could be 30 years old with a wife and two kids. I don't have a God damn clue. _You do_. So don't go bitching to me about how you're upset he can't remember. He still loves you, you jackass, so go over there and _make_ him remember. God, I honestly don't know what he sees in you." Roxas went upstairs to his room, what Sora called his "emo rock" music so loud you could hear it at the bottom of the stairs where Riku and Sora were standing.

"What was all that?" Sora asked.

"It was… Roxas being Roxas, I suppose. Don't kill me for this, all right?"

"Okay…" Sora said slowly. Riku grabbed his face and kissed him, Sora's mind flooding with images and sounds. Beaches, some girl with red hair- Kairi, Sora's mind corrected- and even Roxas with random people, all wearing long black coats. Riku pulled away, Sora having been too preoccupied with remembering to kiss back. The silver-haired boy stared at him.

"You're not mad, are you?"

"I remember now," was all Sora said before wrapping his arms around Riku's neck and kissing the boy again. Sora suddenly remembered Roxas and pulled away.

"What?"

"Roxas." Sora thundered up the stairs, throwing open the door and turning Roxas' music off. The blonde looked up at him with a deadpan look.

"What do you want, Sora?" Roxas asked, sounding like he was about to cry.

"You're not going to sit here and cry. We're going to go out and find Axel."

"No." The blonde went back to staring out the window. "I'm not setting myself up to get hurt again."

"No one's saying you will! We'll find him and he'll remember and you'll stop crying all the time. It hurts me too Rox, to see you like this."

"What am I supposed to do if he's straight, Sor?"

"Axel? Straight? You're kidding, right?"

Roxas didn't answer. He just continued to silently stare out the window. Sora rolled his eyes, but then remembered what Roxas had said about Axel when he was talking to Riku. He remembered, too, the late-night conversations where Roxas would admit to blaming himself for what happened to Axel. The brunette bit his lip and went over to his brother, draping his arms over the blonde's shoulders and holding him tightly. They didn't speak. Riku came in, but both boys ignored him. Sora ran his fingers through Roxas' hair.

"I'm sorry about what happened to Axel, Rox. It's not your fault. You didn't tell him to kill himself, and I remember you telling me about talking to him while he was dying, how you begged him to stay alive. There was nothing anyone could do at that point, Roxy, it just happened. So you ran away. It's not your fault you forgot. Axel loved you. That's why he didn't just knock you out and drag you back. He wanted you to _want_ to come back. Just trust me on this, Rox. He remembers and he still loves you. I'm sure he's looking for you too, you just have to find each other. Let's go outside and take a walk, hmm? Maybe we'll see him. Mom went back to work, so it's just the three of us. What do you say?"

"Okay. But I'm blaming you if we don't find him."

"Go right ahead. I'm sure we'll see him." The three boys left the house, making sure to lock the door behind them. They walked the long way to the park, where they saw Roxas and Sora's cousin Namine. She remembered too, if the weird conversations she'd had on the phone with Roxas were any indication to Sora. The brunette grinned and explained that they were looking for Axel, and the girl asked to join them. She said she had something to apologize for. Roxas nodded, knowing what she meant. They walked around the park, all looking in different directions. No one saw Axel. They walked around town, still looking.

Roxas sighed. He knew they weren't going to find them. Eventually, there was only one place they hadn't looked. The group found themselves at the entrance to the cemetery, all afraid to go in; worried they'd see his name on a stone. They walked around three times, Roxas breathing a sigh of relief when he didn't see Axel's name. The group walked out.

"Hey, let's get some ice cream!" Sora suggested, winking at Roxas. The blonde rolled his eyes affectionately.

"Sure Sor, if it makes you happy," Roxas said. Riku ruffled Sora's hair as the brunette punched the air in victory. The other three laughed at Sora as he began skipping down the street. Namine turned to Roxas.

"So, what are you going to say to him if we do find him?"

"I'm going to apologize, for one thing. I beat the man to a pulp for asking me to come home. He deserves some kind of apology. I was a complete and total bitch to him and it's been bugging me for the last six years. So, yeah, I'm going to apologize. After that? Well, I guess we'll see when we find him."

"Roxy's going to give him a _big_ kiss!" Sora teased, pursing his lips and making kissing sounds. Roxas stuck out his tongue and flipped him off. The brunette gasped and placed a hand over his heart.

"Roxy, I'm hurt!"

"I told you not to call me Roxy, dumbass."

"Sora's not a dumbass," Riku defended. Roxas gave the silver-haired boy a deadpan look.

"Yes he is. And you know it."

"Right here, guys!" Sora said, waving his arm around. Namine rolled her eyes. Boys…

"Alright, enough. Let's just get Sora some ice cream and go home," Namine said calmly. Riku nodded. Roxas shrugged. They walked up to the ice cream stand- and all took a step back, for the man behind the counter was none other than Xemnas. He smiled evilly at the group of four.

"Hello children. What can I get you?" Sora placed his order shakily. Xemnas fetched the boy his treat and handed it to him.

"Thanks Mansex," Roxas said casually. Namine hid a laugh behind her hand. Roxas smirked as Xemnas rolled his eyes.

"I detested that nickname," he sighed. Roxas snorted.

"Why do you think we said it so damn much?"

"Yes, well… Where is your partner in crime? Staying home?"

"Axel and I haven't exactly… met yet," Roxas said. Xemnas nodded slowly.

"I see. Well, good luck with that. For now, I have to close up for the day. Best be getting home to Saix. Goodbye children." The silver-haired man walked off. Sora took a bite of ice cream. Roxas dipped his finger in, stealing some. He tasted it and grinned.

"Tastes like darkness and agony. Don't you agree, Sora?"

"Shut up, emo kid," Sora responded. They all laughed.

"Roxas, that you?" Roxas turned, finding a blonde kid walking toward them, a dark-haired boy in tow.

"Pence, Hayner. Hi."

"Where've you been, man? It's been like, 6 years."

Roxas smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry, guys. Sora here didn't want to let me out of his sight." Hayner and Pence looked at the brunette in confusion.

"Roxas… got sick and he hasn't really gotten better. I didn't want him to get sicker." Roxas nodded in agreement with Sora's words. Hayner eyed the twins suspiciously.

"He looks fine to me."

"Yeah, what do you have?" Pence asked. Roxas looked down.

"I'm not comfortable saying it."

"Oh. Okay. You should all come hang out with us!" Pence said. Hayner nodded. Roxas shot a look at Sora, who shook his head no. Riku agreed with Sora and Namine shrugged. Roxas coughed nervously and shook his head.

"Sorry guys, Sora thinks we should be getting home. I'll see you around." Riku and Sora led Namine and Roxas away, the blonde boy waving as he left. Pence and Hayner waved back before walking away, on their way to meet Olette, who was excited about their run-in with Roxas. She'd missed the blonde boy and suggested they go visit him sometime.

Roxas sighed as he flopped down on the couch. "Sora, why the hell did you make me do that? That was literally painful. Don't ever make me do that again." Namine moved the boy's legs so she could sit down next to him. Sora grinned sheepishly, the expression increasing in intensity as Riku held him around the waist, Roxas glaring at the couple, telling them to get a room.

"I'm really sorry we didn't find him, Roxas," Namine said. Roxas shrugged and looked out the window.

"It's f- holy shit." The blonde boy jumped up and ran out the door, the other three teens following to see what was going on.

They found Roxas, wrapped tightly in Axel's arms, tears on his face. Axel, feeling watched, looked over at them. He gave them a nod of recognition and nudged Roxas. Roxas broke away from Axel's embrace and took the redhead's hand, leading him inside. Namine gave Axel a small smile.

"I'm sorry for what I did to him, Axel," the girl said sadly.

"So am I," Riku added. Axel waved them off.

"Forget about it. As long as Roxas forgives you, it doesn't matter to me. You did what you had to do." Roxas smiled and sat in Axel's lap, putting his arms around Axel's neck and burying his face in the redhead's shoulder. Axel rubbed the blonde's back comfortingly. Sora and Riku sat down on the other couch and Namine said her goodbyes to the two couples and left. After a while, Axel spoke.

"Roxy, I need to call Demyx. He's probably wondering where I am." Roxas stood, allowing Axel to pull his phone out of his pocket. The redhead hit a few buttons and put the phone on speaker, pulling Roxas back into his lap.

_'Hello?'_

"Hey, Dem," Axel said, kissing the top of Roxas' head.

_'You sound way too happy. What'd you burn?'_

"Nothing."

_'Where are you?'_

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

_'Did you get arrested again?'_

Axel laughed. "No." he looked at Roxas, pecking him on the lips. "Say hi."

"Hey, Demyx," Roxas chirped. There was a pause on the other end.

_'Roxas?'_

"Yeah," Roxas laughed.

_'Holy shit.'_

"That's what I said," Roxas said, nuzzling into Axel's shoulder again.

_'Axel, mom wants you home. She says now.'_

"Mm, okay." Demyx hung up and Axel gave Roxas the phone. "Put your number in. I'll call you tonight." Roxas did as he was told and handed the phone back to Axel. The two walked to the front door.

"So, what's up with you and Demyx?"

"His family adopted me when I was a baby. He's my brother." Axel pulled Roxas close by the waist. "I have to get going. Do I get a goodbye kiss?"

"Maybe." Roxas tangled his fingers in Axel's hair and pulled him down into a rough, open-mouthed kiss. Axel pulled away, smirk in place.

"Bye, Roxy." Another quick peck and Axel slipped out the door. Roxas walked back into the living room, flopping down on the couch with a wispy smile on his face.

"Are you better now?" Sora asked.

Roxas looked at him and smiled. "Yeah. I'm okay now."

"Thank God."

-END-

**A/n: AND IT's OVER. I love this story dearly, and may post my other finished KH fic on here. It's similar to this one, only it isn't AU and involves extraction and ****resurrection. Odd, I know. and it's 23 pages long, so it needs split.**

**And PLEASE people, just because I'm using Roxie's account and I'm on this site, don't assume I'm a girl. I hate when people call me a girl.**

**REVIEW, DAMMIT!**


End file.
